my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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