i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
