eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
