If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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