Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
