Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
