Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
