my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i think i have two assholes
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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