season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
