If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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