He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
