Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
