I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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