wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
