He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
