never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
