pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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