Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
