I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Oh god it's open bar.
ok first of all what the fuck
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
