ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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