never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
