The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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