you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
