The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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