He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
