yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
