He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
