I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
