I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
