I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
