I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
