someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
