After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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