Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
