i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
