My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
