She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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