my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
