So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
