So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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