new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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