I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
