you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
