life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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