Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Why can't burritos get me drunk
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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