I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
