so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
