i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
