I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
