I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You are the jesus of drinking
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
