Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just forgot I was standing up.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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