based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The air taste purple.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
