The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
